


Can't lose you

by IperOuranos



Category: American Revolution RPF, Hamilton - Miranda, Turn (TV 2014)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-04 10:41:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18342020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IperOuranos/pseuds/IperOuranos
Summary: Lafayette has been wounded in his first battle.





	Can't lose you

Lafayette was stubborn. And if he really wanted something, he always found a way to get it.

And George was stubborn too, yes, but Lafayette was not just stubborn. He was French. So, George had no hope against him.

 

«Let me fight! I had my training, I know how to use a gun and a sword. I know how to ride in battle. I am one of your trusted officers, I know I am. Then why won’t you let me fight?!»

 

George let out a sigh. It was the fourth time they had that conversation just that last week. Lafayette knew George hated talking too much times about the same things. So he knew that, sooner or later, he would have won that war.

Still, George was giving him a hard time. He kept denying him everything, unmoving in his decision.

 

«No, Lafayette. I already told you countless times. I won’t let you go out there. Just no.»

 

George lowered his head, going back to his documents and reports, but Lafayette was having none of that. He looked back, making sure no one was there with them, then walked around the desk, pushed back all the papers in front of George, and sat on the desk. George looked up, rising an eyebrow. He wasn’t amused by his behaviour, Lafayette was sure of that. Still, he wasn’t one of his little soldier. He wasn’t Alexander Hamilton, always preaching about being strong and independent but deep inside actually scared of George and his charisma. He wasn’t Benjamin Tallmadge, his head of intelligence, always so eager to please him. And he wasn’t Benedict Arnold, his old friend who had not the guts to go on his face and ask what he actually wanted.

He was a young, strong boy from France who didn’t care about George’s position, or his strength, or his charisma. The first time he arrived in that camp, he talked all night with George. And they talked for hours and hours since then. George was a friend, and he was George to him, not the strong General Washington. He wasn’t scared of him. And he would have find a way to get what he wanted.

 

«I want to fight. I want to be useful.»

 

“You are useful, Lafayette. You are fundamental for all of us. For me. You don’t need to risk your life on the battlefield---”

 

«Everyone risk their life! It’s a war, George!»

 

His voice rose without him noticing. George frowned, impatience sparkling in his eyes. He didn’t like that, it was blatantly obvious. Lafayette didn’t care.

 

«I’m not repeating this anymore. You are not going anywhere.»

 

Lafayette was really losing his patience. He could accept anything, but not that paternalistic tone in his voice, like George was the one who had to decide for him because he always knew better. He probably knew better about war, yes, but Lafayette needed to feel useful. Needed to really feel part of that army. Needed to feel like he actually had don something to help George, beside walking in the camp looking pretty and reminding him to eat and sleep. But George always had this wide, thick wall in front of him, like everything outside needed to talk to that wall of discipline and professionalism. No one could really confront the real person behind that. Lafayette knew he saw that person, when they were alone, talking about everything. When George felt safe and relaxed. And seeing that wall, know, that was the most irritating thing he could think of. So, he snapped.

 

«Stop trying to protect me! You just think I am some kind of cute puppy you can talk to when you finished with your grown ups things. I’m not a child, I’m not a puppy, I am a person and I want to do something!»

 

George froze in front of him. Lafayette could see the hard look in his eyes, the rigidness in his muscles. Everything just stood still for a moment, then, everything was just too fast. George rose up and pushed Lafayette down on the desk. His back hit the wooden panel, punching the air out of his lungs, and he tried to get up, but George’s hand, big and heavy, was pushing him against the desk, his hand enough to keep him from doing any single movement. George leaned on him, looking in his eyes. The wall was up, so tall, so thick, all Lafayette could see was darkness. He tried to look for a spark of the sweet and intelligent man he knew, but he couldn’t find any.

 

«Listen to me very carefully, Marquis. People die out there. You want to get shot? Want to die in pain in a bed because of an infection? Want to lose a leg or an arm? Want to hold a dying person in your arms? Want to hold a gun and shoot a living person in front of him, knowing none of this is their fault? Knowing you are the same, and the only thing deciding who lives and who dies is the color of your coat? You are just a boy and you don’t know what you’re asking, so stop thinking you know better than me.»

 

Lafayette was not used to that. He was not used to people talking at him like he was a spoiled child trying to be an adult. He knew people thought of him that way, they did that in france, and they did in America too. He knew that oh so well, but no one ever had the guts to tell that to his face. And it hurt. It stung like a hot needle deep under his skin. The only person who never looked at him that way, was looking down at him and telling him he was just a child pretending to be an adult. And the worst part was that Lafayette knew that was true. He fought to push back the tears, and rose his hands to grip into George’s jacket. He tried to cling to that wall, tried to look for the tiniest opening, the tiniest opportunity to tear that wall down and see that soft, smart, quiet man behind it. But he couldn’t find anything. He was still surrounded by that darkness, the wall hiding the light of the sun behind it. He knew he should have just let go. Stop arguing and just let George decide for him. But he had to let him know. He had to prove him he was a fighter. He was not a spoiled child, he was one of them. If he couldn’t climb that wall, he would have to tear it down.

 

«Are you really doing this for me? Or are you afraid because I might actually be in danger and you don’t want to lose me?»

 

George froze again. He always did that when he was caught off guard. He stiffened and straightened his back, as if looking higher and stronger could help him feeling less vulnerable. Lafayette could see the wall shaking in his eyes.

 

«I am one of your officers. You can’t treat me differently. You told me I could be one of you, but you always act like I’m something else. Stop doing that. You only make me feel like a stranger.»

 

It was hard. He knew George would have never thought of him that way. He talked to him about spending all his life feeling different, and distant. George had always told him it would have been different there, with us. And now, Lafayette was telling him he actually never kept his word.

The boy could see doubt shaking his hard and cold look. He rose his hand, touching gently his cheek with the tip of his fingers. George stood still, not leaning into the touch, but not pulling away either.

 

«Let me do that. Let me try. Let me help.»

 

George didn't answer. He just kept looking at him, and Lafayette could see how he was furiously thinking, trying to weight all the cons and pros, trying to find a a reason why he could keep telling no to the boy. At the end, he saw defeat. George sighed, letting him go. He helped him stepping down from the desk, and looked at him again.

 

« You are not letting this go, are you? »

 

Lafayette smiled.

 

« Nope. »

 

« ... Very well. You can fight our next battle on the field. You will serve under another officer and you'll do everything they tell you. Is that clear? »

 

« Yes. Okay. I can do that. »

 

The boy was moving up and down, visibly restraining. George looked at him, then sighed and opened his arms.

Lafayette smiled wider, and almost jumped in his arms to hug him. George held him, another sigh leaving his lips, but he didn't complain. Lafayette decided he could stay a little longer, have dinner with him. Making sure he was eating enough, too. So he did as he wanted, and sat there beside him all night. It was good talking to him like that, all walls down again. He could see a hint of fear in his eyes, but he decide not to talk about that. George would have gotten over it, sooner or later. Probably.

 

\----

 

George was absolutely, totally right. The field was actually one of the scariest things Lafayette had ever seen in his life. The battle went on for hours, but the English and Hessian forces were pressing them and they couldn't do anything about that.

When the officers decided to retreat, Lafayette decided he wanted to make sure the most American soldier would come out of there alive. English were not letting go, bullets and cannon balls flew everywhere, dust and dirt covered everything, making it difficult to understand what was actually happening.

Lafayette couldn't let other people die. He saw young men being shot in front of him, he saw scared people dying beside him. And he wasn't afraid. It was scary, but all he was thinking about was getting those men out of there safely. They were running everywhere, it was so difficult to keep track of everyone, and that was the reason why they were so in danger. Alone, they were just easy targets. Together, they could make it out alive. Most of them, at least. He had to rally the men, give them enough courage to stand together. It wasn't easy, he could hear people scream everywhere, he could see soldiers running for their life totally forgetting their training. It was frustrating, but he had to work it out.

And so he did. He held his sword high and tried to draw their attention. His horse was tired and slow and he felt a strange, deep sting in his leg, but he couldn't care less. He kept shouting, trying to remind everyone how only together they could make it out alive. For them, and their families, and the whole country. It worked, slowly but surely, and he managed to get the most of them out of there.

A whole had gone by since the start of that battle, but Lafayette didn't feel tired. He was focused. some of those men were his direct responsibility. He had to be focused and present in the moment. For them. Also, George trusted him enough to let him fight beside his American officers, he couldn't possibly betray that trust.

Greene's troops were keeping the English army occupied, they could still hear the fighting in the distance, but Lafayette had managed to organize the retreat back to where the other officers were.

When he saw the other generals, he left out a deep sigh of relief.

 

« Lafayette! Good job out there, without you this would have been a total massacre, probably. Let's ride, Greene will not be able to hold for much longer. »

 

He couldn't really see who was the officer talking to him with his eyes full of dust, but he nodded absently. Damn, that sting in his leg was actually so annoying, it kept burning, and he also felt something warm dripping slowly down his leg. He pushed that feeling away, keeping his focus high. He still had work to do.

 

They rode safely, and reached their camp within the hour. The exact moment Lafayette's brain realized they were safe, he felt his body give up on him. He was tired, he was aching everywhere, he had a damn piercing headache, he had dust everywhere, the blood of his fellow soldier fallen in the battle on his hands and on his jacket. His sword felt so heavy at his side, and riding on his horse became almost impossible. And his damn leg, it kept burning and stinging. The pain was deep and he could almost feel his flesh pulsing. What the hell was that, why did he felt so much pain, what ---

Oh.

He looked down at his legs, and saw his blood drenched breeches. Someone ha tried to knot a piece of cloth to stop the bleeding, but he couldn't remember who or when. He laughed softly, shaking his head. Damn, he totally did not see that.

He rode slowly toward the medic's tent, his back hurting every time his horse made a step forward. When they saw him coming, a bunch of soldier ran towards him, helping him down his horse and inside the tent. The doctor ran to him, but Lafayette was definitely too tired to speak or to even look up at the doctor. His whole body was sore, and he ached basically everywhere. Still, they were safe, and they were home. He decided he could try to rest a little, now, so he closed his eyes, passing out within the next ten seconds.

 

\----

 

After that, everything was a blur. He remembered waking up almost instantly when the doctor dig in his skin, trying to pull out the bullet from his wound. He remembered screaming, remember some other soldiers keeping him still.

Then he remembered just sleeping, deep down the level of conscience. He woke up sometimes, his head aching and his leg burning so hard he actually thought it was constantly on fire.

He sometimes opened his eyes, and found someone near him. Sometimes Alexander Hamilton, arguing loudly with the doctor because Lafayette wasn't recovering soon enough for him. Just one time, he woke up and found George holding his hand, looking at him with his eyes burning in guilt. He tried hard to talk to him, tried to explain to him it wasn't his fault. And it was not so serious anyway, he would have been up very soon. But his throat was dry and his voice was anywhere to be found, and he was still too damn tired to really try harder than that. George saw him opening his lips, and immediately held his hand tighter, shaking his head.

 

« Don't speak, you're still too weak. My personal doctor is treating you, just lay down and sleep. »

 

He could hear concern and fear thickening his voice, and he tried to speak again, but no sound came out. George shook his head again and touched his hair gently, and Lafayette felt so, so tired. He just closed his eyes one more time, and let himself fall into sleep again, too tired to fight it.

 

 

The next time he woke up, the doctor was looking at him. He smiled when he saw him opening his eyes, and gave him a soft pat on the head.

 

« Good morning, Marquis. It looks like your wound is going better and better day after day. How do you feel? Are you still tired? »

 

Lafayette tried to move his leg just a bit, but pain sparked from his thigh up, making him squirm. The doctor sighed.

 

« It's good you want to move, but it's still too soon. »

 

« I need to come back to Valley Forge. The army needs all the help they can find and--- »

 

The doctor frowned at him, lowered his hand and just barely touched his leg. Lafayette squirmed again, pain setting his skin on fire. The doctor was still looking at him, and Laf had to hide his shame in a little pout. 

 

« that was not fair! Why do you purposely hurt your patients?! »

 

« Because said patients can't understand that they still need to recovery and can't just jump on a horse and ride into battle. Listen to me, young man: I was personally assigned to Major General Washington. My first and only job was to take care of him and make sure he made it out of this war alive. He decide to assign me to you, and he specified I hat to care of you as if you were his son. I am more than happy to oblige, but if you keep this ungrateful and reckless behaviour going, then I'll have to use brute force. And you're still badly injured, so I don't think you want me to do that. »

 

Lafayette thought about it. Maybe, just maybe, the doctor was right. He couldn't possibly be of any help, in his condition. The best thing he could was stay in bed and recover as fast as he could, so he could come back to the army (and to George). 

 

« Okay. Okay. I'll take it slow. Just... How is the army going? How is G---eneral Washington? »

 

The doctor smiled softly. 

 

« It's been a week since Brandywine. The situation is... not good. We suffered hard losses. But your courage in battle was the one thing that saved a lot of lives, so be proud of that. Winter is slowly coming and the troops are gathering supplies to Valley Forge. It will be hard for everyone. People will probably die. But Congress has yet to give us any money, so we have to improvise. As for General Washington, he was deeply concerned about your wellbeing. He stood by your side as long as he could, but duty calls for everyone. He made me promise I would have treated you in the best way I could. Also, he looked like he felt guilty for what happened. Kept saying he shouldn't have let you go, but was also really proud of how you handled crisis on the battlefield. Has written to Congress and told them about your exceptional behaviour on the battlefield. They will probably give you a promotion, when you come back. »

 

Lafayette listened carefully to every word, and smiled hearing about his promotion. He was worried George would have been to afraid to let him fight again, but it looked like he was just impressed by how he handled it. He knew he was scared and felt guilty too, but George was the Major General of the Continental Army, he couldn't lose good men just because of his personal feelings. It was harsh, and Lafayette wished he could just stop him from feeling guilty, because that wound was his fault and his alone, not George's. But he couldn't, not right now. He had to get better soon and come back to Valley Forge. Then, and only then, he would have had his chance to make him feel better. 

 

\----

 

Days passed incredibly quickly. Lafayette's recovery was actually faster than the doctor would have thought, he kept patting him on the back and smiling at him, happy of how things were going. He kept telling him he was recovering without a single problem, and in no time he would have been able to come back in the field. Lafayette was stubborn, he walked always too much and stressed his leg too much, but his body was still young and he kept going like his energy was neverending. 

When finally the doctor decided he could come back to the main campo, months had passed and winter had come. Reaching Valley Forge was hard, Lafayette kept hiding behind his scarf, trying not to die because of the cold. He was not used to American winters yet, he loved spring, not snow and wind and fighting constantly not to die freezing. Lucky for him, Valley Forge was actually pretty near the camp he was recovering in, so he had to endure just a little bit longer.   
When he finally saw the tents, his strength was completely back. He rode the last few meters and entered the outer circle of the camp, and he felt suddenly home. He had been with the American army all the time, but that was his place. The main camp, with his soldiers and all the other generals he looked up to. And with General Washington.  
He sighed softly, thinking about him. It had been months since the last time they saw each other. In his letters, George had been nothing short of pleasant and kind, but Lafayette still feared he was still angry at him for letting the enemy wound him during his first battle. Fear aside, he still wanted to see George again, talk to him and hug him as he always did when they lived in the same camp. Just a couple of months had passed, but Lafayette had always been clingy and hated being away from the people he loved. 

When he finally reached the main tent, General Washington had already been informed and was waiting patiently outside. Lafayette's smile grew larger when he saw him, he got down from his horse and walked to him. He totally ignored his hand and decided to hug him tightly, a content sigh leaving his lips. 

« It's a pleasure to see you again, General. How have you been these past months? »

Funny enough, George wasn't stiff and awkward in his hug as he always had been before. He was actually hugging him back, holding him gently. Lafayette smiled again, happy to feel him so welcoming. Maybe, just maybe, he wasn't still angry at him. 

« Quite busy, I must say. The situation has been really hard here. But there will be time to give you all the details. Please, follow me inside, Marquis. We have a lot of things to talk about. »

Lafayette nodded gently, and followed him inside the tent. A simple gesture of the Major General, and all the soldiers and attendants inside the tent left quickly and silently, leaving the two of them alone. The hard, disciplined look of the General moved from in front of him to Lafayette, and the french boy smiled softly, trying to understand if Washington was still relaxed or if his mood shifted.   
Washington moved in front of him, looking him in the eyes, and still not saying a word. Laf grew more and more nervous, not really knowing whet to say in a situation like that. So, was he angry? Or just worried? Or what? It was always so hard to read his General's mind. He was quiet all the time, but sometimes he burst out in anger or frustration, totally out of nowhere. Lafayette actually loved to see him angry (he was, in fact, very sexy), but he honestly preferred when said anger wasn't pointed towards him. 

« G-General Washington, is there something you wish to tell me or...? »

Not a single word in response. Lafayette opened his mouth again, ready to try another time to fill the void created by that long, awkward and scary silence with some random word, but Washington rose his hand, placing a finger on the french's lips. Lafayette looked at him, even more confused, trying to understand what was going on. Still not a word, but Washington grabbed him from his lips, fast and hard, and pulled him accross the room, until Lafayette was sitting on his desk, his legs parted and the other man standing between them. That was... Totally not something he expected. He deeply loved Washington's hands, they were large but always incredibly gentle with him, but being handled like that by his General was not something he could wrap his head around. 

« General? »

Washington took a step back, his eyes moving up and down along his whole body. Lafayette was still in his uniform, but never actually felt so naked in his entire life. He was deeply sure the stiffness rising in his pants wasn't the exact reaction expected by him. 

« You. Do you actually know how worried I was? »

Lafayette couldn't exactly understand the tone of his voice. It was totally flat, not letting any emotion out. 

« I'm sorry, General, but I won't change my mind. I still want to fight the next battles. »

A heavy sigh let Washington's lips.

« I know that, Lafayette. And I'm sure nothing will change you mind. But you will have to be really, really careful. I'm not going to lose you in this war. I won't let the cause have you too. »

Lafayette looked into his General's eyes, and saw fear. The first emotion he saw painted on his face since he entered that tent was a deep fear of losing him. The french soldier felt a knot in his stomach. 

« I'll be more careful, yes. »

The General looked at him for long seconds, not saying a word. Then, his hands went down to grab his hips again, pulling him against his body, and kissing him hard and deep. Lafayette's mind went totally blank, and he could just kiss him back, with a desire he didn't even knew he had in him. George Washington was his general, his mentor, the person he loved the most in the whole New World, and he knew he wanted him, he knew he loved him too deep, too fiercely. He was on another level, he was married, he was a loner, he didn't like to have people around, he didn't like boys. And yet, George Washington was kissing him, and Lafayette couldn't find a single reason why, but just couldn't care less.  
His arme wrapped around the other's shoulders, gripping at them while his legs clinged to his waist. He kept kissing him, hard and needy, until every single inch of air left in his lungs was consumed. When they parted, the boy panted hard, not having the courage to look the other in the eyes. The gentle touch of George's fingers tingled his cheeks, and Lafayette decided he had to be strong, and mature. He rose his head, looking Washington in the eyes, and all he saw was his soft smile, and the gentle warmth in his look.

« See, Lafayette? I can't lose you. »

Lafayette wanted to cry. Because George Washington was his home, was the person he wanted to be near in every single moment of his day. And he felt wrong a lot of time because of that. He just tried not to think about that, tried to look away, tried to forget everything. He did, actually. But now, he knew he wasn't the who was wrong. Because Washington was looking at him and he saw in his eyes was love and affection. And Lafayette didn't need anything else.

« You won't. It's my personal promise to you. Is that okay? »

George nodded gently, his hands still gripping tightly at Laf's hips.

« Stay here with me tonight, Marquis. »

Lafayette felt a shudder along his spine. George's eyes were dark and full of promises the french definitely wanted to see becoming reality. He nodded quickly, not even having to think about it. 

« Yes. I'll stay. »

Washington's smile grew just a bit wider. And honestly, it was the best thing Lafayette had ever saw. He decide he wanted to see that smile a lot more often. And he wanted to protect it. And he want to fight for it.   
He looked like he had a lot of reasons to stay alive, now.


End file.
